It Sucked and Then I Cried by Heather B. Armstrong

Author:Heather B. Armstrong
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Simon and Schuster
Published: 2009-07-15T00:00:00+00:00

CHAPTER TEN

Your Biological Clock Is a Dumbass

One of the saddest endeavors I’d ever been a part of was packing all of Leta’s 0–3 month clothing into labeled boxes and storing them away in the basement where they’d remain until we had another baby—HA! ANOTHER BABY? The logistics of more than one TOTALLY BOGGLED MY MIND. Leta would never be able to wear those clothes again, and as I folded each nightgown into a box my heart broke just thinking about how much money her father and I would be spending on clothes in the next eighteen years. And I suddenly realized, HOLY HELL, this baby will one day turn into a teenager, and why didn’t anyone tell me?

Why couldn’t we have her go from toddlerhood straight to self-sufficiency and bypass all the bad hair and braces and lessons in menstruation and endless nights of crying because her boobs aren’t big enough?

And what if she wanted to have her own blog? I HADN’T THOUGHT ABOUT THAT. Dear God, the Internet wouldn’t be big enough to hold all her complaining, and I could totally see her getting kicked out of school because she’d written stories about her teachers, and what would I say? I would say If you’re going to write stories about your teachers at least make them unrecognizable, for crying out loud! And then we’d go shopping for a padded bra.

What would happen when she found out that I once talked about throwing her out the window? I WAS KIDDING, LETA! I wouldn’t really throw you out the window! I might pull your toes until you scream, but the window thing…a JOKE! And that time I called you a frog, I meant that lovingly. Frogs are great! I love frogs!

Now that she was wearing clothing from Big & Tall I didn’t dress her in as many frilly outfits as I had when she was smaller. She was more mature than that now, and so I dressed her in long pants and sophisticated onesies, all without lace and bows. We are not bow people, we Armstrongs, and never would anyone be able to convince me that it was perfectly okay to put a bow in her nonexistent hair. Really, is there anything more frightening than a bow on a bald head? WHAT IS IT DOING THERE except making a baby look like a PIN CUSHION?

Jon did make me promise, however, that I would never take Leta out in public with bare feet because apparently nothing screams NEGLECT! like a sockless baby. It’s not that I was struggling with deep and unresolved sock issues, I just didn’t see why she always had to wear socks when she wasn’t even using her feet. But then, I was also the type of mother who would rather put tin foil in the windows to keep out the light than buy a proper set of blinds, and OH MY GOD what my kid is going to say about me on her website.

Some days were really good.

Some

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